The New Year has brought my marriage some interesting twists. The biggest of these is with these tough economic times we have taken in a very close friend and her daughter and allowed them to stay with us for awhile, as she tries to get back on her feet. The whole roommate thing wasn't on the top of our list for our newlywed year, but life throws you some curve balls and you make lemon vodka. So anyhow things have been rough.
The roughest of all was a decision I made recently to take 30 days off from alcohol. This decision was based on a friend of a friends recent diagnosis of liver failure due to alcoholism. We were all shocked and in horror of the idea of the very thing that seems to hold us all together when we're depressed, have had a bad date, bad cramps, dumped, fired, or even helped us celebrate the good times would ever fail us in such a brutal way. Apparently, my friend had been told by her doctor, after several paranoid phone calls where she swore she was turning yellow, that our livers have incredible rejuvenation capabilities, and that if you were to take 30 days off a year you could theoretically hit the bars hard the rest of the year with little repercussion.
So let me first explain my profession. I am a bartender. I have been a bartender for over 10 years. I have not once in those 10 years taken 2 weeks off at a time from drinking...ever. No I am not a raging alcoholic. I'm not a real binge drinker either, in fact I hate feeling drunk. But I really enjoy drinking. I look forward to my glass of wine at the end of a very long night of watching everyone else drink. I enjoy beer with sports, wine with dinner, martinis with friends, champagne on New Years, warm brandy after a huge meal, scotch on a cold night, and the list goes on. I'm not a drunk, I'm a drinkee. (It's like a foodie with cocktails)
After this revelation that I had in fact not gone 2 weeks without a drink since the 90's I decided that I could give it up for 30 days. After all 30 days isn't that long, heck rent seems due every time I turn around. So I began.
Day 5 was the first test. I remember it was a Thursday and I realized that the weekend was approaching. Many friends would be coming to my job to visit. They would all be drinking, and I would be gnawing off my fingernails. Luckily the weekend was quick and I really didn't miss it too much.
Week 2 okay, I've now gone 14 days without alcohol and I am definitely thinking that this was a bad idea. I begin contemplating what a glass of chateneuf de pape would taste like. I explore the idea of buying some pot. I say a prayer and keep on, after all tomorrow I'm half way there!
Day 19. I run to grocery store and buy a jug of grape juice, put it in a wine glass and try to feel fancy, and forget how absolutely stressed out of my mind I am! I am feeling very disappointed that I don't feel different! It's been almost three weeks! Shouldn't I have more energy or something?
Last night was day 22. My husband calls me in a frantic voice and tells me that he just totaled the scooter and hit a dog, in a series of awful seconds that can not be erased! We were almost done paying off the scooter! When I arrive on the scene the scooter is completely smashed up, there is a beautiful husky like dog laying in the road howling the most awful sounds of pain I can fathom. My husband is okay physically but brokenhearted at the idea that he hurt an animal.
We call humane society and get the dog to an animal hospital, get the scooter in the mini van and arrive home.
My husband pours himself a very healthy scotch and tries to shake off the adrenaline that is coursing through his veins. I help him dress the couple wounds that were on his leg and quickly realize just how much alcohol has been a crutch in my life. The wine is sitting there staring at me. Just a glass won't hurt. It will help you relax. You'll feel better!
In that moment I looked up to the heavens and asked God, "So I just have to feel this?" Few times in my life have I felt like God has laughed at me. I swear I heard him laugh. So I did. I just felt it. Felt the frustration, felt the sadness, felt the helplessness, just felt it. And in a way it was beautiful.
Am I going to quit drinking for good? No, probably not. But I am going to remember that experience next time I want a liquid encourager. Drinking, for me, should have a place in my life for the good times, and no longer the bad.
Sunday is the Super Bowl, and my 30 day mark. I will spend it having cocktails with friends. Celebrating life, and hating myself tomorrow, the way God intended drinking!God bless us everyone!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Turning 30.....really!?!
I am aware that all little girls put expectations on their life, and even as easy as we try to make them, earmarks are embedded in the subconscious. Married to the perfect love of my life by 30. Maybe a child by 35, if I so chose to have one. (Still on the fence.) A name in the world of cultural arts, at least on a local level by 40.
I don't think that these goals are too hard to come by and so far I am on schedule. I got married exactly 53 days before my 30th birthday. To the man of my dreams. Everything is telling me to go out and celebrate! So I make plans to go see a cheesy discoesk band with some of my closest friends and my husband.
The morning arrives, I wake to the sun shining and the coziness of my new expensive sheets, (courtesy of the bridal registry) and for one second I didn't realize it was my birthday. Then my husband says, "Happy birthday honey. Honey is 30 today." And out of nowhere I started crying. I felt like a total loser. Why was I crying you ask? I have no idea. For some reason 30 is scary.
My husband asks me why I am crying, and I can't answer him. He very kindly reminds me of what a fantastic life we have. He tells me to look around at our beautiful home, and to look in the mirror. And I have to agree I look pretty damn good for 30. He continues to make me breakfast and take me out for gyros later at my favorite place. We go home I begin to get my 30 year old ass ready.
I look good, I feel good. I have my man at my side and lots of friends to celebrate. What was my problem? 30's looking pretty good! And then, in a twist of fate I still can't comprehend, it happens.
I come face to face with the man I was engaged to at the age of 24. I was greeting several people standing in a circle and after spending all of my late 20s terrified that I would run into him and never did, I let my guard down and thought perhaps he had taken my mental waves of advice that he should disappear and become a hermit. And the only person I didn't see, of course was him.
It was one of those incredibly awkward things that you play over and over in your head, and think how stupid you are that you didn't get the signals. I mean here I am hugging these two people whose faces are falling as I hug them, not smiling. They looked like political figures you see on Barbara Walters where she finally asks the question that every mom in the grocery store already knows the answer to, and they have that look of, "F$#@!!!!!". Only still trying to smile.
I hug these two people and turn and there he is. He gave me a look I will not soon forget, and in an effort to clear up the awkward silence, I say hello and extend a handshake? Of which he meets begrudgingly. Funny thing about that, you have no idea how familiar a persons hand can be.
Well I flipped out a little. And made my husband very angry. He said things like "I don't understand why you give a damn." And really why did I? Yes, it was an awful breakup, but it was six years ago.
I spent the next 2 days really searching myself to find out why. And this is what I have come up with.... wait for it..... I felt sorry for him. I broke his heart looking for a better life, and I found it. My husband is the most amazing man, friend, lover, and co-pilot. I suppose that part of me feels like I won, and I won by being selfish, and I hate selfish people.
This revelation came on New Years Eve. So 2010 baby, I let it all go. Here's to all the ladies out there that know what they want and don't want to settle. It's okay to be selfish, your life will be beautiful when you put your future first. And to that guy, I wish him all the happiness in the world with the girl that didn't settle for someone else! Cheers, Happy New Year, and Happy freaking birthday to me! 30 never looked so good!
I don't think that these goals are too hard to come by and so far I am on schedule. I got married exactly 53 days before my 30th birthday. To the man of my dreams. Everything is telling me to go out and celebrate! So I make plans to go see a cheesy discoesk band with some of my closest friends and my husband.
The morning arrives, I wake to the sun shining and the coziness of my new expensive sheets, (courtesy of the bridal registry) and for one second I didn't realize it was my birthday. Then my husband says, "Happy birthday honey. Honey is 30 today." And out of nowhere I started crying. I felt like a total loser. Why was I crying you ask? I have no idea. For some reason 30 is scary.
My husband asks me why I am crying, and I can't answer him. He very kindly reminds me of what a fantastic life we have. He tells me to look around at our beautiful home, and to look in the mirror. And I have to agree I look pretty damn good for 30. He continues to make me breakfast and take me out for gyros later at my favorite place. We go home I begin to get my 30 year old ass ready.
I look good, I feel good. I have my man at my side and lots of friends to celebrate. What was my problem? 30's looking pretty good! And then, in a twist of fate I still can't comprehend, it happens.
I come face to face with the man I was engaged to at the age of 24. I was greeting several people standing in a circle and after spending all of my late 20s terrified that I would run into him and never did, I let my guard down and thought perhaps he had taken my mental waves of advice that he should disappear and become a hermit. And the only person I didn't see, of course was him.
It was one of those incredibly awkward things that you play over and over in your head, and think how stupid you are that you didn't get the signals. I mean here I am hugging these two people whose faces are falling as I hug them, not smiling. They looked like political figures you see on Barbara Walters where she finally asks the question that every mom in the grocery store already knows the answer to, and they have that look of, "F$#@!!!!!". Only still trying to smile.
I hug these two people and turn and there he is. He gave me a look I will not soon forget, and in an effort to clear up the awkward silence, I say hello and extend a handshake? Of which he meets begrudgingly. Funny thing about that, you have no idea how familiar a persons hand can be.
Well I flipped out a little. And made my husband very angry. He said things like "I don't understand why you give a damn." And really why did I? Yes, it was an awful breakup, but it was six years ago.
I spent the next 2 days really searching myself to find out why. And this is what I have come up with.... wait for it..... I felt sorry for him. I broke his heart looking for a better life, and I found it. My husband is the most amazing man, friend, lover, and co-pilot. I suppose that part of me feels like I won, and I won by being selfish, and I hate selfish people.
This revelation came on New Years Eve. So 2010 baby, I let it all go. Here's to all the ladies out there that know what they want and don't want to settle. It's okay to be selfish, your life will be beautiful when you put your future first. And to that guy, I wish him all the happiness in the world with the girl that didn't settle for someone else! Cheers, Happy New Year, and Happy freaking birthday to me! 30 never looked so good!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)