I am aware that all little girls put expectations on their life, and even as easy as we try to make them, earmarks are embedded in the subconscious. Married to the perfect love of my life by 30. Maybe a child by 35, if I so chose to have one. (Still on the fence.) A name in the world of cultural arts, at least on a local level by 40.
I don't think that these goals are too hard to come by and so far I am on schedule. I got married exactly 53 days before my 30th birthday. To the man of my dreams. Everything is telling me to go out and celebrate! So I make plans to go see a cheesy discoesk band with some of my closest friends and my husband.
The morning arrives, I wake to the sun shining and the coziness of my new expensive sheets, (courtesy of the bridal registry) and for one second I didn't realize it was my birthday. Then my husband says, "Happy birthday honey. Honey is 30 today." And out of nowhere I started crying. I felt like a total loser. Why was I crying you ask? I have no idea. For some reason 30 is scary.
My husband asks me why I am crying, and I can't answer him. He very kindly reminds me of what a fantastic life we have. He tells me to look around at our beautiful home, and to look in the mirror. And I have to agree I look pretty damn good for 30. He continues to make me breakfast and take me out for gyros later at my favorite place. We go home I begin to get my 30 year old ass ready.
I look good, I feel good. I have my man at my side and lots of friends to celebrate. What was my problem? 30's looking pretty good! And then, in a twist of fate I still can't comprehend, it happens.
I come face to face with the man I was engaged to at the age of 24. I was greeting several people standing in a circle and after spending all of my late 20s terrified that I would run into him and never did, I let my guard down and thought perhaps he had taken my mental waves of advice that he should disappear and become a hermit. And the only person I didn't see, of course was him.
It was one of those incredibly awkward things that you play over and over in your head, and think how stupid you are that you didn't get the signals. I mean here I am hugging these two people whose faces are falling as I hug them, not smiling. They looked like political figures you see on Barbara Walters where she finally asks the question that every mom in the grocery store already knows the answer to, and they have that look of, "F$#@!!!!!". Only still trying to smile.
I hug these two people and turn and there he is. He gave me a look I will not soon forget, and in an effort to clear up the awkward silence, I say hello and extend a handshake? Of which he meets begrudgingly. Funny thing about that, you have no idea how familiar a persons hand can be.
Well I flipped out a little. And made my husband very angry. He said things like "I don't understand why you give a damn." And really why did I? Yes, it was an awful breakup, but it was six years ago.
I spent the next 2 days really searching myself to find out why. And this is what I have come up with.... wait for it..... I felt sorry for him. I broke his heart looking for a better life, and I found it. My husband is the most amazing man, friend, lover, and co-pilot. I suppose that part of me feels like I won, and I won by being selfish, and I hate selfish people.
This revelation came on New Years Eve. So 2010 baby, I let it all go. Here's to all the ladies out there that know what they want and don't want to settle. It's okay to be selfish, your life will be beautiful when you put your future first. And to that guy, I wish him all the happiness in the world with the girl that didn't settle for someone else! Cheers, Happy New Year, and Happy freaking birthday to me! 30 never looked so good!
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