My husband and I took our annual trek to Orlando, FL for Christmas last year. We drove non stop the 16 hours back to St. Louis and in a blur, so that we could both be back to work. I was informed that I would not be allowed to be off work on New Years Eve. Not that they needed me mind you, just that if the New Year's Eve had to suck for them, it would need to suck for me too. Okay I don't know if that is true, but I feel like that is the case some of the time. This New Years Eve, I would be at work, for little reason, making little money when the ball dropped.
My wonderful husband who finds my place of employment to be the least of places that he finds "cool", behind "pretty much any other bar", and the toilet at home, graced me with his presence and came to meet me for a kiss just as the clock struck midnight. He of course left shortly after, and I had a lot of time to think. What would this year look like, this...2012.
I try to take a deep breath and am met with shallow breathing as I stare at the gleaming white object between my index and middle finger. Smoke is billowing in the air dancing in swirling lies of how "cool" and "relaxed" I must look. I was watching the smoke stretching as though even it is trying to run away from me as I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I am pale. My eyes look dull. My skin is very dry and cracked from the dry winter air. My hair is lack luster. I have a "tire" of sorts around my mid section and my ass has gotten bigger and somehow flatter. My arms jiggle where there had once been defined muscle tone. My shoulders once broad from years of playing competitive sports were rounded. My posture was reminiscent of a man who lives in a bell tower in France. I stared at my reflection and could see the proverbial forked paths ahead of me. I could see what I was going to look like New Years Eve 2020 when I am 40 if I kept on this path of smoking, eating like crap, and never exercising. It is time to get serious about my health, and I know try as I have to live a healthy lifestyle and still smoke, even on a casual social smokers basis, it does NOT work. I am just one of those people who one or two is not gonna work for me. I go a month without smoking and then have one outside with friends, and the next thing you know I am asking people at stop lights for a lighter at 10pm so I can finish the pack I bought that afternoon.
It was time to say goodbye to all bad things and bad behavior. It was time for a change. 2012 is the year I focus on being my most authentic self. Finding a way to be proud of myself and my appearance again. And the first thing to go is the cigarettes. I cried. I really really cried. I would miss them. Or so I thought I would. But if I ever want to even think about having a baby someday, or not have cancer, or walk three flights of stair unchallenged, I would need to suck it up and quit. For the first time of many attempts to quit, I didn't save an emergency stash. I flushed the remaining half a pack I had. I went cold turkey for 2 days.
Day three I was an absolute animal. Angry, snarling, foaming at the mouth. Okay not foaming, but definitely depressed and unhappy. My husband calls me as he is stopping at the smoke shop to ask if I need anything. Meaning, "would you please smoke again? You're being a real pain in the ass." I asked him to buy one of those electronic cigarettes. That little beautiful invention saved my life!
I didn't use it as though I was a smoker. I used like a rescue inhaler. When my blood pressure would shoot through the roof, or a craving came on that was just too hard to bare I would use the e cigarette. It would occur to me every time that I wanted to throw in the towel and just bum a smoke from my husband that with this little invention, there are no longer any excuses. For ten years we smokers have complained that "If they would just invent something I could hold. Its not the smoking I'm addicted to, its the habit and having something to hold. That would help." Or "the patch doesn't work for me because you get all the nicotine at once. And for me its more of an oral fixation." And my personal favorite.."If they would just invent something that felt like a cigarette I could pull off of, I would quit for sure." Well guess what! Here it is! It even costs the same. So no excuses! Time to quit.
I have had two other friends recently quit using the electronic cigarettes. My friend Curtis is a writer. He would take his mental creative breaks with a trip outside to light up. He said, "I decided I was just going to use the e cigarette until I felt silly." It worked for him too. It worked so well that even when my husband called to tell me that the job he had worked at for the last 6 years had just let him go, I didn't light up. I sat smoke free as he told me that there would be no severance, no insurance, and not even a final full paycheck. Just a "Sorry cant afford your position anymore." Just peace out. This was in February. That was the defining moment. I figured if I could go through that without smoking, there would never be a good enough reason to smoke again.
To cope with the loss of nicotine, employment and to try and feel better about myself I got a lot more serious about yoga. It really helped me to manage stress and fine an outlet to put my anger. I also rededicated myself to my faith, and decided to undertake the challenge of reading the bible in its entirety in one year. What the heck, change one thing, might as well overhaul!
It has been 6 months tomorrow I have gone without smoking. My husband still doesn't have full time employment and I couldn't care less. God is showing me so much about myself, and how to trust in him as our financial source, not us. The lights are still on. We still have full access cable. Still have insurance and the car payment and rent are getting paid. This house hold has $40,000 less a year coming in. I make about $19,000 a year, and we are fine. In fact, we are almost out of debt. Now if that ain't a miracle I don't know what is! My husband is so much happier now too.
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