Sure at school we enjoyed chocolate if it was brought for "the whole class", and many times because my mother didn't want us to feel left out from the rest of the school, ( we were already screwed out of All Hallows Eve mind you) so she would throw caution to the wind and let us participate in Valentines exchange. This is where all the kids in your class bring cheap drug store Valentines for one another. The kind that come 6 to a sheet, and are perforated so you can simply sign the back and rip off the next one. They always smelled nauseatingly like candies hearts and doll hair.
Nowit was important to be very careful which ones you gave to whom. I remember specifically in the 3rd grade, and instance when everyone was all hopped up on candy and chocolate, and all dressed in red and when asked to return to our seats as everyone passed out their valentines. The usual were put in our decorated Kleenex "mailboxes". From the girls, Minnie with a hand mirror..
"Happy Valentines Day you gorgeous thing you!"
From the boys...Ducktales boys saying "Have an Adventurous Valentines!"
Maybe you were lucky and got one with Dopey hugging a stump, or a Chip and Dale that simply said "Happy Valentines" but what you were really looking for was the ONE valentine that would say. "Be Mine"..That was it. That was all the girls wanted. 8 years old, and I knew if I didn't nail one down soon, I would be destined to be alone all through middle school.
They came and came. One after another of the stupid "friendly" Valentines..then it happened..I got the one with Minnie and Mickey kissing..I turned it over and it said " Kiss me and be my Valentine!" Signed...Jesse. Now Jesse wasn't what I would call my ideal. I mean common, he had crazy dark red hair. He was a little chubby, and covered in freckles, but hey! Who was I to be picky? Red was digging my action and strange as we was, he was still much cuter than the boys at the church. In fact for my age group there were exactly 3 cute boys at church. The one wanted nothing to do with me and the other 2 were my cousins. My options were very grim.
I swaggered up to Red Jesse and said "Hey". I was playing it cool. We had exchanged some witty banter a couple times over my wordfind in highlights magazine, but there was nothing relationship solid. I remember from reading one of those magazines at the Doctors office awaiting my allergy shots, that I would need to find something we would have in common if this relationship was to work. I racked my brain for something to talk about. Two days later the news had circulated that I had received the coveted "Be Mine!" Valentine. At recess I went to discuss our new relationship and social calendar with Jesse. As soon as I got close to him he started screaming at me to leave him alone. I looked at him confused, then down at my clip board and checklist of things we may have in common. He shoved me down into the rocks while all the other boys laughed at me. It was very dramatic and scaring. I chose to break it off with Jesse then. I also told everyone that when he urinated, it was pink because he had too much red dye in his system. I was very proud of this lie.
Fourth grade. First boyfriend. We rode the bus together, he lived in the super wealthy neighborhood, and his Mother made gifts for all the girls in his class. I was the only girl in a class other than his homeroom that got a gift. Teasing began as the news circled wildly. By the time we loaded the bus home, he had punched me in the nose, pushed me down and laughed at me. I was done with Valentines. No joke. I was beginning to think that all the red hearts were expressing empathy for all the bleeding I seemed to be doing on this holiday. I was 10 years old, and never attended school on Valentines Day again. Not even in college.
My senior year of high school my long term abusive high school boyfriend picked this wonderful holiday to tell me that he did not love me. He also said he didn't really like me all that much. And that him being away at college he didn't want a long distance relationship. (His college was less than an hour away.) I saw him two days later with his new girlfriend. She lived across the street from him in our hometown. He was a real coveted piece of classy that one.
First year of college I was dating a sweet guy named Saul. He was a quite a bit older than me, and imagine the horror I experienced, when after our Valentines Day dinner he brought me back to his place to meet his adorable cats, and eat the dessert he had made that I would be allergic to. Chocolate covered strawberries. We opened a bottle of Lambrusco. (thought we were classy drinking carbonated wine!) I am horribally allergic to strawberries. But I thought maybe I had outgrown it, because I had recently added back other fruits to my diet that I had formally been allergic to. Long story short, I ate the strawberries, went to the bathroom, had a lady issue...20 minutes later we were kissing, and I had to stop and beg my boyfriend to take me home because my lady bits had swelled to twice their size. And not in a good way. I had a serious allergic reaction. I fake a migraine. I then have to tell my Dad, because my sister has the car and I need a ride to the emergency room. Humiliation at its absolute best.
Later in college I was in a serious relationship with a long term boyfriend named Brad. He had a whole break my streak of bad Valentines Days strategy night planned. Dinner and dancing. We were in love and I was so crazy with anticipation! Boom 2 days before Valentines Day a piece of glass finds its way into my eye, and I once again end up in the emergency room this time with a severe laceraion to my cornea. Valentines was spent wearing an eye patch that made me look like a pirate, on the couch with a frozen pizza, and watching a terrible Martin Lawerence movie.
Final boyfriend before my husband, was a very very tall and very very dumb drink of Kool Aid named..well we will call him Blob. I introduced him to my sister at my job. The two of them sat chatting it up over a cocktail while I was working. My sister later told me that he was asking all kinds of questions about what to get me for Valentines Day. I had only been dating him a few weeks. I was totally stressing now.
"I have to buy him a gift? We barely know each other!"
She answers "Well you don't have to, but he's buying you some cool stuff. "
I spent the next three days obsessing about what to buy him. I came up with 2 very thoughtful, and inexpensive gifts. He had invited me to join him for dinner at a restaurant near by after work, but I should meet him at his house. I show up at 7pm, the agreed upon time, and sat on the couch with his two very nice, but very stoned roommates. At 9pm I sent him a message saying I thought I should probably just go. He said he was sorry, that he was caught up at work, and he would be there soon. I stayed seated with the two thoughtful gifts in my lap, their red bows judging me with every passing minute. I was trying to make conversation with the stoned strangers whose names, hometowns, occupation and aspirations I now know. 10pm he shows up. Restaurant was closed. He had bought no gifts.
When I met my husband I was relieved and irritated when he uttered the words " I don't do Valentines Day". Irritated that I would just seriously have to give up on Valentines Day. Set it free. Once I did I felt a pretty serious sense of relief. We did find ourselves out to dinner this Valentines Day simply because we both happened to have the night off and wanted to go out to dinner and a gallery opening. We went to one of our favorite restaurants and we very disappointed with the jacked up holiday prices and TINY portions. Below is the entree..Yeah! The ENTREE. We both got drunk because of lack of food! This was butter poached lobster claw on a tablespoon of crab salad, 2 blood orange slices and crispy fennel. 4 bites tops.
We had a lovely night laughing at the ridiculousness that is the Hallmark holiday, and vowed to continue to ignore the holiday together.
Happy Valentines Day Everyone! (or if you're like me, happy national call in sick day!)
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