6 to 8 Black Men

Autumn is my favorite time of year! The leaves, the smell in the air of dried leaves and the brewery! But best of all, I am reminded that as soon as that dreadful holiday Halloween is over it will be time to start thinking about my favorite holiday! CHRISTMAS!

If my husband would let me, I would begin putting the tree up on November 1st. I abstain knowing that not only does my husband think I am nuts for wanting to do this, but so does everyone else other than my own part elf mother. So I have my secret early rituals.. You know just a little fix until the big time of cookies and eggnog.

While I am home alone, I burn my Christmas candles. Listen to not so obvious jazz versions of Christmas carols, and instead of taking a magazine to the bathroom, I bring with me a copy of David Sedaris Holidays on Ice. My favorite story is one entitled 6 to 8 black men where Sedaris fills us in on how the great people of Holland celebrate and view Santa Claus.

Apparently, in the Netherlands the children exchange gifts on December 5th. St. Nicks day. There, he dresses like a red velvet pope, said to be left over from his former career as bishop of Turkey. And also, Santa resides in Spain...not the north pole. Every year he docks in late November and is escorted by not elves, (said to be thought of as grotesque and unrealistic. Ironic from the dutch people whom embrace legalized drugs and prostitution.) but by what is described as 6 to 8 black men. I laugh as Sedaris mocks the Dutch people in the idea that with everyone he asks the number is always the same. 6 to 8. Odd for having over a century to nail down an exact number. I suppose at one point the black men were slaves, but since Saint Nicks pope attire and the fact that the Catholic church is trying to shake its former image of oppressive behavior and racism, the 6 to 8 black men are now known as St. Nicks "good friends".

So Halloween came. I am told by my bosses at my job that everyone has to dress up, and that my response to "What are u going as for Halloween?"....."um...an adult." was no longer funny.
I borrowed a costume from a friend, a very cute lederhosen Saint Pauli girl kinda thing. As I am getting ready for work my husband calls and says that the car has been stolen. My first response is laughter followed by absolute rage.

I own a 1998 Dodge Caravan! I just had about $700.00 work done on it in the last 15 days! Who wants to steal a mini van! In broad daylight! On a major street! The police are called. Evening approaches and I find my Heidi costume to be even more annoying now that I am sitting on the curb waiting for a taxi cab. Some trick or treaters walk by and tell me I look like Lady Gaga. This is a comparison I am getting really used to. Anyone over the age of 40 says I look like Marilyn Monroe, and anyone younger or homosexual says Lady Freakin Gaga! I smile at them.

I arrive at work to find that I am the only person dressed up! No joke! And everyone I tell that my car is stolen and missing says.."Yeah I hear those are easy to steal." After the 3rd time I wanted to ask my community that if this is such common knowledge, why did no one buy me a Club for Christmas the last 3 years I owned the car? I look like the most uncomfortable sad little beir girl you've ever seen. Finally the phone rings at 5:30 pm.

It is my husband calling to say that they found the car. It was totaled. Witnesses on the scene describe it as going 55 mph in a 30mph zone outta control, and hit a traffic sign. At which point "6 to 8 black kids" were seen running and scattering from the vehicle. They had stolen it, and drove somewhere to throw away anything that wasn't bolted down, including the head rests. They then picked up their friends and threw a 3 gallon gas can in the back just in case they needed gas I suppose.

When the tow truck brought the van back to my house my thoughts were on one thing! Did they know about the secret CD box under the passenger seat? I furiously run down and climb in the mangled broken carcass of the van and open the drawer! Eureka! There they all were! My Harry Connick Jr When Your Heart Finds Christmas, Christmas Cocktails, Have Yourself a Jazzy Little Christmas, and Mary Mary CDs! All there.

I breathe a sigh of relief, but cant help but wonder..did St Nicks "friends" steal my car? The evidence...
Inability to get an accurate number of people fleeing from the scene...6 to 8
Everything thrown away.....except Christmas and gospel music?

Perhaps this year, the Netherlands hot Christmas items are insurance papers, recyclable grocery bags and head rests from American cars! Ahh yes! Santa stole my mini van!